


Stolen Memories and Treasured Letters

by iget_tolovemalec



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: M/M, Malec Angst, everyone is as dead as my soul after writing this, i regret everything., malec growing old
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-03
Updated: 2019-06-03
Packaged: 2020-04-07 03:56:02
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,813
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19076992
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iget_tolovemalec/pseuds/iget_tolovemalec
Summary: Decades after Jonathan, the wedding, and the Angels erasing Clary’s memory Alec tries to fight the inevitable and Magnus faces the hard aftermath of it all.





	Stolen Memories and Treasured Letters

**Author's Note:**

> i regret everything. don’t attack me.

“You look like my husband you know.” Magnus smiled sadly as he entered the hospital room. The patient looked at him carefully as if he was trying to figure out where he has seen his visitor before. Magnus was a regular visitor, many nurses and doctors would even say that he lived in the hospital. Everyday, at exactly 7 pm after his warlock duties, he would portal himself in the hospital in Alicante filled with Shadowhunters with illnesses that was beyond any magic’s repair. Then at exactly 7:15 am he would portal himself out and back to his apartment where he would help his clients in whatever problem they had, leaving an extra 15 minutes saved for him struggling to leave the man who the doctors said was already on his death bed. 

“Have I seen you before?” The patient again continued talking. Not that Magnus minded, if it was up to him, he would listen to that voice until the day he dies. Which was pretty ironic for him considering that he was immortal. He closed the door of the room and gently places all his take-home work on the table next to the old man. 

Magnus looked at the man and touched his face gently. No matter how many times he has done this, no matter how many times they had the same conversation over and over again, Magnus still couldn’t manage to live a day without crying over the sight of him. 

“Alexander, I am your husband.” Magnus lightly grinned at him contrasting to the tears slowly falling on his cheeks. He watched as Alexander’s face changed from confusion to recognition as he pieced it all together in his head. 

“Magnus! How was work today? Not too many clients I hope, you’ll need some energy if you want to win Pictionary with Rafe especially since, not to brag but, Max and I are quite a good team if I do say so myself.” Alec beamed at him, his body quickly relaxing into Magnus’ arms. Magnus laughed softly, “Well, you better be ready to lose because Rafe and I have been practicing and I’m sorry to say this but you are going down.” Magnus said as he lied down beside Alec. Everytime he was with him, he would transform his appearance into an elderly looking version of him. 

————————————————————————

“Magnus… it’s a grey hair, I’m slowly aging.” Alec said as he held back his tears. He didn’t want to let Magnus know how a single strand of hair could break him almost entirely. They never discussed how it would be once the flaws of Alec’s mortality would start showing. They couldn’t bear to think about a time where one of them would live without the other. It would always end in them breaking down and Magnus drinking lots and lots of alcohol. The idea of losing the other was already so painful as it is. What more if the idea became a reality?

“Hey, it’s okay Alexander. It’s just one strand we can remove it, see?” Magnus replied as he plucked it out from Alec’s scalp. They both knew, however, that this conversation wasn’t going to end this quickly. “B-but Magnus you know what this means. I’m becoming older and weaker day by day and we can’t do anything about it.” Alec’s voice broke as the harsh reality finally came to haunt them.  
They did try everything. Magnus researched and researched on ways on giving up his immortality behind Alec’s back and Alec had tried convincing Simon into turning him into a vampire behind Magnus’. However the Angels had reached out to both of them through dreams saying that a Shadowhunter is a mortal and a Warlock is indeed immortal. If they dared test the lifeline of either creatures again, they would suffer severe consequences. And after what happened to Clary, even though she did regain her memory after a year of being a mundane, they didn’t want to risk it. They did eventually find out what had been going on to their better half but that’s a story for another time. 

“My dear, it does not matter if you are aging. Even if a time would come where your whole head is grey and there are lines on your forehead, I would still think and know that you, Alexander Gideon Lightwood-Bane are the most handsome, irresistible, and caring being I have ever met in my whole lifetime. And no, before you say anything, not even you losing your 6-pack in the future could change that and that’s final.” Magnus said as an attempt to lighten the mood, glaring playfully at Alec as Alec giggled in between his silent cries. “And I’ve thought about it as well and I thought that maybe even if we will not grow old together, at least we can look like it.”

Alec looked at him in confusion as Magnus used his magic to himself. At first it looked like nothing had happened but Alec’s eyes swelled with tears again as he spotted a faint grey hair barely hidden on Manus’ scalp. He hugged Magnus tightly as he whispered in his husband’s ear, “You would do that for me?” disbelief evident in his voice as Magnus still ends up wondering how Alec still doesn’t know how much he mattered to him. “Alexander, I literally went to hell and back for you. Is that even a question?” Alec didn’t know it was possible but his heart started beating faster and his face started hurting from the huge smile he was showing. “I love you so much Mags, so, so much more than you know.” Alec said as Magnus cried softly on Alec’s shoulder. He didn’t know how, but they can overcome this. Nothing, not even life itself, can come between their love. “I love you too… pup.” Magnus chuckled as Alec playfully slapped Magnus’ arm from the pet name they had discussed not to give Alec years ago. Their moment was soon interrupted though, by the sound of Max once again crying probably because of his never ending hunger no matter how much baby food he eats. 

“I’ll go take care of him.” Alec said his mood now very different form his mood a few minutes ago. Only his family had that power over him. Magnus looked at him lovingly.

“I’ll be here waiting for you when you come back.”

————————————————————————

Magnus looked again intently at his husband’s features. Some would say that even though he aged well, there’s no hiding how weak he looked now. Magnus would always argue with them though, causing for whoever said it to take it back once Magnus reveals blue light form in his hands, his magic, for no one could ever look as handsome as his Alexander in his eyes. But even he couldn’t deny that Alec is dying. He refused to believe it but the proof was all there. There were records of his check-ups, dozens of pills he was required to intake everyday, and even Magnus could see how Alec had been getting thinner, frailer, the bags in his eyes getting darker.  
Magnus looked away. 

“Hey, is something wrong? You know you can tell me anything right?” Alec said wincing as he turned to face Magnus. “Wow, what happened to me? I think I need to iratze myself- wait Mags why are we in a hospital bed?” 

“Alexander… Rafe and Max can’t play Pictionary tonight.” Magnus said avoiding Alec’s eyes. For so long he has tried to practice this in the mirror. He has done it over a thousand times, a thousand different days with the same conversation but never was he able to look at Alec. He couldn’t let him see how much this pained him. 

“Why? Are they too busy with homework?” Alec questioned. Their kids never missed Pictionary night, everyone thought it was a good way of relaxing and forgetting their worries for a while. Alec looked at Magnus confused.

“Alexander, Max is the High Warlock of Alicante now, remember? Rafe has his own kids to take care of. They’ll come visit tomorrow though.” Magnus replied just earning more confusion from Alec. “Blueberry becoming High Warlock? W-wait Rafe has children? Magnus how come I don’t remember? Is this a joke because I swear I was helping them with Math just yesterday.” Alec said his mind stressed on what his husband has been telling him. It couldn’t be possible, no, no one grows up overnight. But then, as Alec focused more on his surroundings, he wondered why he was in a hospital for the aged. He also saw that there were pictures frames on the bedside table, photos of what looked like grown up versions of his kids and another picture with him, Magnus, Clary, Izzy, Jace, Simon, and Maia, all looking 30 years older than he had remembered. 

“Alec.” Which surprised Alec, since Magnus never called him by his nickname for a while now, only calling him that when it was an incredibly serious situation. He watched as Magnus took a deep breath before speaking again, “You’ve been diagnosed with dementia 5 years ago. You have Alzheimer’s disease, stage 6.” Magnus whispered as if he didn’t want to hear those words himself. He watched as Alec’s face goes from confusion to realization like all the other days they had had this conversation.

“Oh.” Alec said as he tried to force the memories that were stolen from him back into his head. A few bits came back, blurry visions then transforming into vivid events. “I remember now.” Magnus smiled at him encouragingly as he saw how his Shadowhunter had mustered all his strength to bring back the past years in his brain. Even after all this time, Alec’s grit never did change. “M-Mags I’m sorry.” Magnus was shocked. Alec never told him this before.

“Sorry for what? Alexander you did nothing wrong.” Magnus looked at him concerned. Alec looked at the ground and played with his fingers. “I’m sorry that I’m like-well- like this. I’m a dying old man who barely has teeth in his mouth and hair on his head and yet here you are choosing to be with me. Day by day I forget everything. I forget who you are, who I am, sometimes I don’t even remember what a damn apple is. You deserve better than this Mags.” Alec said not realizing how broken he had caused Magnus to be after hearing those words. He continued, “You can go back to your normal appearance you know, and party ‘til your heart desired, heck maybe even find someone you’ll love deeper than you loved me… Magnus, I’m dying and when the time comes that I do, I want you to find someone else and move on.” Alec finished said still unable to look at Magnus, not even bothering the tears that are now leaving wet stains in his hospital robes. 

“Alexander, there is no one else. There will never be anyone else.” Magnus said blinking away his tears refusing to listen to what Alec was telling him. “Every day you forget, yes, but every single day you always remember again. I don’t care how many times we have the same conversation over and over again. I don’t care if you’re not as youthful as you were when we first met. I don’t care about parties, clubs, and all that because all I care about is you. You and our family, our life together. When will you understand that? I love you and only you.” Magnus said holding Alec’s hand and reaching upward to kiss his forehead. Alec’s stubbornness kicks in as he still wanted to argue that Magnus will find love again after him but he decided not to address it. Instead, he nods and says an I love you back to Magnus as they lie down comfortably in silence just enjoying being in each other’s arms. A few minutes later, Magnus heard Alec’s soft little snores fill the room.

Some things never change, he thought while using his magic to prepare all Alec’s medicines and food for his dinner later at 10 pm. The nurses offered to help him but he insisted that he would be fine doing it on his own, wanting to spend every second they have left on taking care of Alec.

An hour later, just a few minutes before his dinner time, Alec woke up sobbing making Magnus wake up as well. “Hey, what’s wrong dear?” Magnus said devastated at the sight of Alec being this sad. “I- I don’t remember anymore. I mean, I know I’m old, I know I was diagnosed, I know who you are, Magnus, but I don’t remember what happened in the past 30, maybe even 40, years. The last thing I remember is us going to Rafe’s graduation with Max.” Alec continued to cry even harder now, panicking because no matter how hard he racked his brain for answers, it was completely blank.

“Shhh… there, there Alexander don’t you worry. We have all the time tonight, I can tell you all the important details while we eat.” Magnus said faking a smile as he left the bed to get the food he made an hour ago, using his magic to heat it up. He needed to look strong and happy for Alec, who knows what Alec would do once he saw how pained Magnus actually is ever since that check-up from Cat telling them about Alec’s condition. He placed Alec’s food gently on Alec’s lap and watched as Alec dug right in. He always had a big appetite and Magnus always loved to cook for him. It was a perfect match.

So, he spent all night explaining to Alec what had happened all throughout those years. From small details like how Alec had learned how to brew the shampoo Magnus makes because he couldn’t get enough of it, how Alec had shocked everyone by being the first one to react and hug Clary after she regained her memories of the Shadow World, how Madzie, Max, Rafe, and Josie- Luke and Maryse’s daughter- all went to the same school and became good friends, to the big events in their life, like Raphael and him being friends and being there for him during his priesthood, the marriages of Jace and Clary, Maia and Bat, Izzy and Simon, Maryse and Luke, Lorenzo and Underhill, Rafe and Lucy (a Shadowhunter he had met during a mission and instantly fell head over heels for), and the sad moments like his parents’ passing due to old age, Izzy and Simon dying in battle in order to protect their child, Elaine, from an army of rogue vampires seeking revenge for what happened to Camille (seeing as Camille was Simon’s sire and this causing Magnus and Alec going through a dark time as Magnus blamed himself since he was the one who put Camille in prison in the first place) where Jace and Clary ended up getting custody of Elaine, along with their 3 other children. He also showed Alec pictures of the Lightwood family, what once were 6 people (Maryse, Robert, Alec, Izzy, Max, and Jace) now became 19 (Maryse, Luke, Josie, Robert, Alec, Magnus, Max from the younger generation, Rafe, Lucy, Lily, Izzy, Simon, Elaine, Max from the older generation, Jace, Clary, Dorothy, Jonah, and Joyce).

Magnus watched as Alec’s face lit up whenever he was able to recall something or whenever Magnus would tell a funny or happy moment in their life. He also saw how Alec’s face frowned and even cried softly when he couldn’t remember something or when he had to relive his loved ones’ death. 

He watched as he saw himself falling in love with the same man over and over again. 

Once they had finished eating, Magnus helped Alec clean up the table and fix the bed in order to have a comfortable area to sleep in. Magnus also helped Alec for hygienic matters and, as much as Alec would argue with a flushed face, Magnus really didn’t mind taking care of him. 

When they were already tucked in, cuddling with the sound of their steady heartbeats assuring them some familiar feeling of safety, Alec’s voice suddenly interrupted the quiet moment. 

“When tomorrow comes, and my brain ends up forgetting who you are or what we’ve been through, just know that my heart still remembers and loves everything about you, yeah?” Alec said sniffling, the hoarseness of his voice now evident. Magnus looked at him, making sure to remember every single thing in this moment and etch it permanently in his brain and said, “I never even doubted.” As he gave him a goodnight’s kiss, softly telling Alec more stories about them in the past having simple moments like this until he heard the faint little snores he used to tease Alec about. 

When morning came, Magnus woke up at exactly 6 am and got ready in just 30 minutes or less with the help of his magic. People used to ask him why he would wake up so early even though he was needed much much later in the office. Well, he would always say, that he liked to watch Alec sleep, then regretting saying it because of how creepy it sounded. But honestly could you blame him? Magnus wanted to spend ever second of every minute that he could have to just spend time with his Shadowhunter. 

When 7:15 am came, Magnus had already set up a portal to his office, where he would be bombarded by creatures of different kinds all wanting a bit of his magic. 

“Magnus?” Magnus looked back as he saw Alec slowly wake up, eyes still adjusting to the sudden burst of light from his portal. He sighed and closed the portal, walking back to Alec thinking that being a few minutes late may not be so bad of an idea. 

“Go back to sleep Alexander, I’ll be back later but for now I have to go to work. Besides, later Rafe and Max will be here as well.” Magnus said he ran his fingers through Alec’s hair lightly. He was shocked though, as Alec furiously shook his head as he said “I don’t want to go back to sleep Mags, I don’t want to forget. I-I don’t…” Alec said as he blinked away his tears as Magnus hugged him slowly calming him down.

“It’s okay Alexander, if you forget, I’ll always find a way for you to remember. For now, you have to go back to sleep, you need the energy if you want to keep up with me and the boys later.” Magnus said half-heartedly chuckling debating whether he should just abandon his job altogether and stay here. But, his conscience reminds him, that Alec wouldn’t want him to abandon his duty to the Shadow World as High Warlock. 

As soon as he felt Alec fall back into his subconscious, Magnus slowly got out of the bed and made a portal to his office, quickly leaving before he could have the chance to convince himself to stay for another extra two minutes. 

————————————————————————

“It’s okay Alexander, we’re going to be fine.” Magnus said as he saw Alexander’s heartbeat go fainter and fainter. Just a week after the day Alexander had remembered him longer than he usually did, he received a call while he was in his office, alerting him that they had to magic Alec into some kind of deep sleep because his brain started to stop functioning, brain dead in mundane terms. Magnus didn’t even bother to get his things, he immediately rushed to Alec’s room where Max and Rafe already were. 

The moment he saw Alec’s almost lifeless body, he felt like collapsing and vomiting at the same time. He couldn’t stand the sight of Alec looking so dead. 

Rafe immediately saw Magnus’ face go paler than a vampire’s and asked the caretakers of the building to leave them for bit. Once it was only the 4 of them in the room, all of them, except Alec, broke down in an unspoked understanding that this is it. They had all managed to put up a strong façade for the past 5 years, hoping for some kind of miracle that Alec would become strong again, that he would become immortal, or at least for him to remember them without trying. But now, with Alec having only his heart alive with the rest of him being already gone, the pain they’ve hid themselves from came to punch them straight in the face. 

“I- I know that we had so much time to prepare for this moment. To see dad, you know, let go.” Max said his voice breaking with almost every word, “But I always wished that the day would never come because I never wanted to live a life with any of you gone from the world. I always somehow had this thought in my head that we would all be alive and okay forever because acknowledging the idea of death seemed so absurd.” He said shrugging his shoulders as he covered his face with the palms of his hands. 

Rafe was the next to speak up, “Papa, you know dad wouldn’t want to see you this broken… he’d understand if we removed the magic sustaining him right now. The only reason they let him live was for us to say our goodbyes, have some kind of closure, but for this family it’s never a goodbye right? We always find a way back to one another. And when the time comes, we’ll find our way back to dad again. We may not be okay right now, or the next 10 years to be honest, but we have to move forward. Continue, because that’s what dad always wanted.” Rafe said assuring Magnus even though he was also trying to convince himself that someday things would be okay after this. Maybe not as good as they were before, but okay. 

Magnus on the other hand just wanted everyone to stop. Stop comforting him once he had told his clients why he was suddenly unavailable, stop giving him sad looks, stop telling him it’s going to be okay because it was never going to be, and stop talking like Alec was going to die. 

Because he refused to see his Alexander die. 

But hearing those words from his children, knowing they’re experiencing the same pain he is, that they understand completely what he’s been going through. It gives him some reassurance that after this, he’ll still have something, someone, to live for. Max and Rafe give him enough reasons to stay, to not give up on life completely along with his husband. A part of him, a big part of him, will die today, everyone knows that, but his children will always keep the last few cells in his body alive. 

He looked at his broken children, then at his husband oblivious to the chaotic mess they’re in, then at his children again, then his husband. The cycle went on for hours, each of them taking turns to just go nearer to Alec, holding on to the sight of him still alive because he won’t be at the end of the day. One by one talking to him in a quiet voice thinking that maybe he’ll wake up and say that everything’s going to be okay. 

But he never did. 

Once the caretakers said that the magic already had to be removed by a warlock, Magnus couldn’t do it, he couldn’t even look at Alec anymore. So Catarina did it, arriving almost as soon as Magnus but never entering before this moment because she knew the family wanted their privacy. Magnus and Alec had watched tv shows about doctors before, and Magnus remembered how Alec pointed out that the sound of the patient’s heart flatlining haunted him, because it was the constant sound that reminded the patient’s loved ones that he/she had died. But now, as Alec’s dead body laid motionless on the hospital bed, he decided that he would argue with Alec, the eerie silence, filling the room as people close to the patient let their own sad thoughts drown them from the hurt, was way worse than the sound of a flatlining heart. 

As Catarina used her magic to transform Alec’s body into the body he had 40 years ago, give or take, and Magnus saw the black locks and strong physique his husband had come back to him, he felt his knees go weak as he felt himself collapse, causing everyone around him to panic. 

——————————————————————

Magnus woke up in a hospital bed, Cat sitting on the couch the room provided. 

“Where’s Alexander? His body?” Magnus said as he realized that Alexander wasn’t here anymore. He was somewhere beyond this universe, somewhere amazing Magnus hoped. Cat smiled at him sadly, “He’s being prepared for the funeral by Rafe and Max, I’m sorry Magnus, I should’ve asked you if it was okay to turn him back to his younger, stronger self. I could change him back though if that’s what you prefer.” Cat said as she looked down on the ground, feeling guilty thinking that what she had done caused Magnus to become unconscious. 

Magnus shook his head smiling faintly. “No, Cat it was fine. I was just… shocked to see him look so peaceful that’s all. I guess, it just hit me that we used to be like that. That we used to be so carefree and now, well… I’m never going to see him open his gorgeous eyes again.” Magnus said shuffling uncomfortably as he played with his wedding ring, the Lightwood family ring Alec gave to him. Magnus felt himself breakdown as Cat watched him sob, hiccup, choke on his own tears a few times and just basically finally let the world know how much pain he’s actually experiencing. 

“Oh Magnus, come here.” Cat said as she hugged her best friend. “I can’t tell you everything’s going to be okay because your soulmate died for fuck’s sake.” She said as her self-conscious slapped her for being so straight forward. “But we’re here for you okay? We’re going to be here with you as you heal with your kids and, even though we can never fill up that void that Alec left in you, we can help you make another space somewhere in your heart filled with new happy memories from the people that are still here.” She said as she felt herself cry as well. She may have been Magnus’ best friend but Alec brought out a different kind of happiness in him that she never saw in all her centuries of living. She now knows that she may not see that ever again on her best friend. No one could compare to the love they had, no one would even dare. 

The funeral had been a blur for Magnus and his boys. They all felt numb and everyone understood. No one knows if they’ll ever go back to their normal selves but that’s okay. 

Magnus didn’t really pay much attention to the people visiting really. Max and Rafe were the ones welcoming the different people wanting to give their condolences to the Shadowhunter who touched their lives in different ways. He returned to his immortal form, the one Alec saw back in the club when they met for the first time. Like he said before, they grow old together and since Alec was now back in his younger self, Magnus wanted to match. 

He did pay attention to everyone’s same reaction though, all taking a step back as both Alec and Magnus look way, way younger than they actually were. Then giving him a small pitiful smile as they realize who he is. If truth be told, he was sick of it. Almost all of the people he cared about died before him and he doesn’t know when he could ever have the guts to care about people again. 

Izzy and Simon had already died in battle, Jace and Clary died a few years before Alec was diagnosed, both from old age, Jace dying just a few hours after Clary. Now it was only their kids, Madzie, Raphael, Underhill, Lorenzo, and Cat. Don’t get him wrong, he still found joy in helping others, but it just wasn’t the same without Alec. 

Right before the burial, Magnus placed a letter, a one made from parchment with fancy handwriting as the name ‘Alexander’ is put on top, above his casket. As the ceremony commenced, he, Max, and Rafe all said with faint broken smiles, “Alexander Gideon Lightwood-Bane.” As everyone else in the room said the words Magnus didn’t want to hear again. 

“Ave atque vale.”

He fell to his knees as Max and Rafe caught him before his legs collapsed on the ground. He screamed, he yelled, he shrieked, whatever term anyone would like to use. He could care less that a lot of people were seeing him so vulnerable right now. He just wanted Alec back. He wanted to jump right in and die with him right then and there, but his children needed him. He felt Max and Rafe push against him as he fought to go nearer into Alec’s casket. 

“Dad, he’s gone. You have to let his body be buried.” Max said, his voice faint and quiet because he couldn’t bear to see Magnus like this. It was already bad enough that he had lost his father, he doesn’t want to lose another one just a few days after. Rafe was fighting Magnus along with him pushing him away and only letting him go once they had already brought the casket down. He felt his father’s figure freeze and become numb, not being able to move from where he stood as he realized the echoing possibility of Alec dying in his brain finally catch up to him. The rest of the Lightwood clan, Cat, Madzie, Underhill, Lorenzo, and Raphael then rushed from their seats to where the Lightwood-Bane family stood and hugged them because only the Angels could tell when the pain would subside. The other guests took this as their cue to leave and give them some space. Others would never admit to it but Magnus looked more far gone than Alec did. 

A few hours later, Magnus was still sitting inside the Institute where Alec was buried. No one dared attempt to move him or tell him to leave because he needed time and they understood. Rafe and Max were holding up better than he was, going to their fathers’ apartment and fixing Alec’s things because Magnus couldn’t even touch them. The only thing he could touch that was Alec related was the omamori charm Alec had given to him after their date in Japan. It was supposed to give him luck and protection, Alec had once explained to him. But what’s the use of luck and protection if his heart was gone?

He soon hid his omamori charm as the corner of his eyes caught on a figure sitting beside him. 

“I don’t want to eat, Max.” He said already bothered by the number of times Max had stopped by to offer him soup. No one could deny Max’s amazing cooking skills, but all Magnus wanted to eat was Alec’s horrible stew. 

“I’m not Max, Magnus.” Said the person, Madzie, as she gently comforted Magnus, rubbing her thumb against his hand. “I know you need your privacy, with everything that happened, but we saw this in the hospital room neatly tucked inside Alec’s pillowcase. It had your name written on it so we figured he wanted you to read it.” She said as she brought out a letter with the messy handwriting Alec always had. Unlike Magnus’ letter to Alec, his looked brand new, like this was written only recently. 

“You know, he was my father too. You both are.” Madzie said clearing her throat. Magnus felt ashamed that in all his grief he had not bothered to check up on everyone else that had been close to Alec. “We’re all hurting Magnus and we both know the pain isn’t going away anytime soon. Just, don’t push us away alright? We can get through this, together.” Madzie said hugging Magnus one last time before exiting the room, leaving Magnus again alone with only his thoughts and Alec’s letter. 

————————————————————————

To My Dearest Alexander,

I have always hoped that the time would never come where I would give you this letter. But if the time did come that I had, well, it means you passed away before me. 

If you’re wondering where, why, when, and how, I managed to think of writing this, I wrote this the day they told us you had dementia. I knew our old age had consequences and for the first time, I let myself fully think about the unthinkable. 

That you’d be taken away from me. 

Maybe I was hoping that through this letter I could let all my fears out and the lingering thought of you passing would be gone in my head. But we both know that’s not going to happen. 

For almost a century I had closed my heart and put my guard up for everyone and anyone that came into my life. For the longest time, I had relied on senseless parties, alcohol, and flings to keep me company. After Camille, after what she did to me with my unrequited love for her, I thought that she had destroyed my heart and crushed it into pieces no one could ever piece back. But then, on that night when you and your friends asked me for help with Clary’s memory, I didn’t want to admit it at the time but your mere presence easily faltered the walls I built up. I barely even knew you then.

When I found out you were a Lightwood, I’ll admit I was wary. I knew about your family’s reputation and your obsession in praising the Clave, but something inside me told me that who you are should not be defined by who your parents are. The family we were born with is not our call. And besides, who am I to judge when my father is literally the devil?

In the beginning, I thought the feelings weren’t going to stay. They weren’t supposed to, really. I thought that my sudden liking for you only had to do with your handsome appearance, if only I knew how wrong I was. Somehow, through every time I heard your voice, every time you sneak a glance at me during our meetings, every smile you gave to me, every act of kindness and compassion you gave to anyone regardless of who they are… you made me fall in love with you before I even understood what love could be. 

When you said you proposed to Lydia, I felt my heart break again right after I had built up the strength to slowly fix it. I didn’t know why, but I felt more devastated than I should be for a crush that I have only known for about a month. So when Isabelle invited me, well, you could say I was one for dramatic entrances. 

I talked to Ragnor right before I went to the Institute, you know? Even though he passed away on that very same day, he managed to give me one last piece of advice and that was to never let someone like Camille hinder my opportunity on being with someone like you. My Alexander. After the wedding, well it all just went from there. 

I was afraid of commitment. I was afraid you would judge me for who I was, who I am, and who I could be in the future. For a moment, I thought you did when you found out I had over 17,000 flings and relationships. But you proved me wrong when you told me that you were willing to put as much as effort this relationship needed to make it work. I don’t know how you do it, but you manage to make me fall in love with you more every damn day. Through the gifts you gave me, the understanding comfort you never took from me when I shared with you my dark past, the sad attempts of that family stew I always have to tamper with, everything. You became my everything. 

I would be lying if I said our relationship was perfect. It was very far from it actually. We were both a mess at times, when you had been possessed by a demon that had killed Jocelyn, and when I had lost my magic. We both received judgements from almost everyone about our relationship and sometimes it ended up getting to us. We both had trouble opening up, both afraid of rejection, and allowing each other to help us in our personal battles and sturggles. 

But we made it work. 

Now, we’re married. We have two kids and we both got the jobs we desired. We were able to be the best version of ourselves because of each other and for that I could never be more thankful. During our marriage, people said that the honeymoon stage would fade, that our love would die out and we would realize that we would be better off without each other. During our marriage, we proved them all wrong by basing our relationship all on love, trust, honesty, and loyalty. I could never ask for anything more. 

Besides, two messy break-ups were more than enough for me to realize how much you had grown on me, how much I depended on you. I thought I had lost you during that time in Maryse’s bookshop. When I realized what you had done, how you were willing to give up your happiness for mine, even though it never got through your damn head that my happiness is you and not my magic, I never wanted to let you go again nor give you a reason to leave. Many people may think that we would be lying, but the Soul Sword wouldn’t dare resist when we say that we had lived up to our vows. 

Now, you barely remember what a vow is. 

I don’t blame you, heavens no. This was something uncontrollable, something that no one could counter. I’ll admit I was angry. Not at you, but at the angels. I found it so unfair that one of the purest souls in the world would have his memories taken away from him and have no way on getting it back. 

Now I know how Jace felt. 

The only difference was, he got Clary back, she remembered. But this, it wasn’t a punishment, it was old age. 

So I’m writing this to you now, knowing that what entails for us in the future maybe not what we deserve. I don’t know how far your memory loss could go. I don’t know if you’ll end up forgetting all our secret little conversations, the nights we had where we would whisper sweet nothing into each other’s ears, our hundreds of dates all around the globe in who knows where. I don’t know if you’ll end up forgetting me. 

However, I do know that whatever is in store for us next year, or next month, or maybe even tomorrow, we can get through this, and even when the possibility of your death haunts me, not even that can defeat what we have. 

Stay with me, please. I love you.  
-Magnus.  
——————————————————————— To Magnus, the love of my life

I really don’t know how to start letters like this, more so saying goodbye, but I didn’t want to leave you in this world without some kind of formality. 

If you’re reading this, it’s either I decided to give it to you or someone found it after I had passed. I’m hoping it’s the first one but knowing me, it would be the latter. I wrote this on the day that I said sorry to you for forgetting who we were and are over and over again day by day. I didn’t tell you this, but I faked my snores that night. As much as I loved sleeping with you in my arms, this needed to be done. 

During that night, when you left me for the shortest period of time to go to the bathroom, the Angels had reached out to me through mom. She told me that I didn’t have much longer, that I would soon leave you and our children in this world. It took all of me not to tell you but she said that if I did, there would be consequences I didn’t even want to know about. She also said that as some kind of gift from the Angels, my memory would hold on longer than usual thus me probably remembering you halfway through tomorrow. 

Magnus, if I do end up dying, I want you to know that this is not the end. God, not even close. Maybe my gray hairs, wrinkles, and slowly weakening brain marked the end of my youth but it also marked the beginning of our new journey as husbands, as parents, and as soulmates taking on the world together. 

Promise me that you won’t be sad for so long. You know I hate it when you cry, more so when I’m the cause of those tears. When I broke up with you because of Asmodeus and his deal that night, I vowed to myself that I would never hurt you again, not even so much as step on your foot. Please find it in you to move forward, I know that you would argue with me when I say that you have to move on from me and find someone new so I’m asking you for something else. Move forward and be there for the kids, for me. Hang out with them as much as you can, play sharks and minnows with Madzie like we did when she was little, have tea with the friends we have left because that’s the Magnus you deserve to be. Happy. Loved. 

Knowing you, you’ll probably push yourself away from everyone else, go back to being sad and lonely. However, I’m the one that’s known for brooding remember? You can’t replace me for that title that easily. Don’t push them away and just hear them out. You’ll never know just how much someone’s words can take an effect on you, trust me I know. 

As for moving on, know that whether or not you find someone else and fall in love again, it’s okay. We’ve had this conversation enough times for me to be reminded that your response will always be, “No Alexander, I will never find someone else.” But only time could tell Mags. Someday someone might love you the same way I do, and maybe you’ll love him or her the same way you loved me, maybe even more. When that time comes, know that I’ll be happy for you and I’ll always be there for you, even though you may not be able to see me. But hey if you stay single, that’s cool too. 

No one could ever express how great my love for you is simply because neither words nor actions will ever be enough to make you understand just how much. You made me see that there’s more to life than following the orders of the Clave and being a somewhat grumpy Shadowhunter. You showed me the beauty in the ugliest of things and the peace amidst all the violence. You always seemed to make my day brighter without even trying. You made me see that it was possible to love someone and have that love returned. 

I haven’t said this enough but I love you. I always will even if I’ll have to wait for 10,000 years to see you again. I liked you the night you had continuously flirted with me even though I was refusing to flirt back, I started loving you the moment you showed up at Lydia and I’s wedding, I told you I did when Valentine manipulated Jace into activating the Sword killing many Downworlders in the process, and I will never stop loving you, never even letting that horrible idea cross my mind. I continued to love you when I found out that you knew how to cook and dance, I loved you even more when I saw you holding Blueberry in your arms for the first time, stopping his cries after many many hours of sleep deprivation. I never stopped loving you when you told me who your father was, I didn’t and don’t care about your faults in the past, I never even stopped when you told me the number of your past relationships, intimidated, very much so, but never anything else. Not even close. 

Thank you Mags, for staying with me all these years when I knew that there are so many people out there in the world you could be dating but you still chose me. Thank you for not giving up on me on days where I was broken and miserable and for choosing to stay by my side through all my faults. Eternal gratitude will not be enough to thank you for loving me the way you did. For pushing me to always see the good and become better. For not judging me with all my experiences and, in some ways, the lack of it. For never getting tired of me and my habits and choosing to love them instead even during these past few years where I constantly forget everything and everyone. 

They say Nephilim love once fiercely and I think it’s safe to say it’s true. I love you so much and the fact that we’ll be apart pains me. However, as cheesy as it may sound, I will still be there with you. You may not see me, but I’m always there for you. I’ll always be there through your memories of me, the love we shared, and through our children. I’m sorry I couldn’t live much longer. I didn’t want to hurt you again but death is inevitable. But believe me when I say that we will see each other again. I promise. 

This isn’t goodbye Mags. Don’t start building those walls around you again. I want you to be happy, to live, to love again, you deserve it. When you start to doubt again and feel like you’re alone, just read this and see how incredibly wrong you are. From generation to generation you continue to make a mark on the lives of everyone around you and I don’t want that, you, to change. I love you, don’t forget that. 

I’ll be here waiting for you,  
-Your Alexander


End file.
